Thursday, 25 January 2007

Dracula 3000

If you thought Patrick Lussier's Dracula 2000 (aka: Dracula 2001), and its sequels Dracula II and shite makes the above trilogy seem quite brilliant and inventive!

Synopsis: Oh, wouldn't it be a lark if they found Count Orlock undead on a spaceship?

Although director Darrell Roodt made the so-so mystery-thriller Second Skin (with la Henstridge) a few years back, he's obviously learned nothing since, and I can't figure out how he's still in work... Are they just throwing money away on such German and South African co-productions as this, now?

Dracula 3000
(D3K) shuffles around plot-points from Event Horizon and Supernova (but without big-budget effects, or any star-name players in its cast), and somehow manages to make cheesy fun like Jason X look like truly great cinema in comparison!

In D3K, Casper Van Dien plays the cardboard Van Helsing, onetime BayWatch babe Erika Eleniak looks every year of her mid-thirties now, Coolio (who, judging from his characterisation of a 3rd millennial spacer, might've seen Dark Star but not Star Trek) is so terrible and useless an actor I'm surprised they didn't offer the role to his shadow, and Tiny Lister simply overacts even more than usual. No wonder Udo Kier phoned in his video-log appearance.

Don't be fooled by the Giger-esque poster artwork. The Dracula of this movie (that's 'movie' pronounced "tiresome rubbish" and which feels like a thorn in your eye) is no cyber-goth creation, but a sorry panto version of the prince of darkness. Honestly, D3K makes its 80 minutes runtime feel like an all-nighter. Make no mistake; sitting through this film - without resorting to regular use of your remote-control's fast-forward button - is not entertainment, it's an ordeal (I will probably be in therapy until spring-time!).

If you pride youself on having the stamina to watch anything (no matter how bad) and haven't seen the awful Dracula 3000, yet, I suggest you prepare for something that feels like a jaw-load of nagging toothache (is that really how you want to spend an evening at home?) before you go and rent it... The only sane reason for seeing D3K is to discover the 21st century's new benchmark for utter boredom that's available on DVD.

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